Lonely Versus Alone

Lonely Versus Alone

The Peninsula Woman

Jul – Aug 2005

Language has created

the word loneliness

to express the pain

of being alone,

and the word solitude 

to express the glory

of being alone. 

~ Paul Tillich

Life holds many obstacles. The two most significant obstacles that seem to develop as a woman becomes older are the fear of losing her beauty and being alone. Lately, I have experienced these issues with many of my older female clients.

Quite frankly, it is disheartening for me to hear that a woman is afraid of losing her beauty. But it is tough to hear that she cannot be alone. But the hardest thing to hear from her is her possible loss of beauty. And her fear of being alone; she stays in a relationship that no longer serves her solely because of the fear of being alone. She reiterates that it is because she is losing her beauty, and "what man would want to be with her now?" Honestly, I want to scream.

Honestly, I hear her plea. But actually, what I know to be true is that deep down inside her, what is essential to address and her most significant and deepest fear is being alone.

Let's face it; women love to be in a relationship, and being alone for some women is tremendous fear. It is a great fear that many women will stay in dysfunctional relationships, so they don't have to be "alone." Unfortunately, in reality, many of these women feel "more" alone in the relationship than if they were alone. The result is they get the despair of loneliness and miss the joy of solitude.

Alone vs. Lonely

So what is the difference between being "alone" and "lonely?" The difference is found in exploring the balance between your Inner and your Outer life. If you are taught that the outer world is essential, you will look to your outward success to find meaning in your life. On the other hand, if you have a life that includes solitude, quiet time, and an inner sense of yourself, you can develop an inner life.

Someone who experiences loneliness does not have a firm inner world. It is that simple. If you begin to build an inner world, you will not experience loneliness but will understand the joy and delight of being alone.

A person that experiences joy and delight in being alone has found the thread to their inner world and can spend many hours with themselves and enjoy their time alone.

Why is it so hard?

Our society promotes external fulfillment. We are shown through the media that it is essential to be beautiful, have a career, and strive for outer satisfaction and success. As a result, the exterior life becomes all-too-important, resulting in a deep feeling of loneliness. You will rarely hear the media expand on the gifts of obtaining an inner life, the need to rest, the joy spent in reflection, and% time spent alone. This would encourage and result in understanding how vital solitude is and how nurturing the feeling of aloneness is.

What can I do?

If you are afraid of being alone, it is probably because you are experiencing loneliness. Jean Rostand says: "To be an adult is to be alone," and Voltaire says: "The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude." Rest, meditation, and things done in solitude help you to understand the one fundamental truth. You are alone. Practicing these things will help you to reconnect with yourself. I recommend that you move inward and experience the joys of an inner life. Too much time spent with others can create a false sense of who you are. Time spent alone builds a solid connection to that part of you that knows the truth. You are alone. And it can be glorious.

The Astrological chart of some individuals suggests a tension in finding a balance between solitude and relationship. If this is an area you struggle with in your own life and you have email abilities, please email me at: amber@amberflynn.com, and I will email your chart FREE OF CHARGE.